


not giving up (i still want it all)

by sebbykurt



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M, angsty and time jumpy because that's how i roll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 14:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8804215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebbykurt/pseuds/sebbykurt
Summary: The issue with small-town love, Lukas thinks – despite its murder plots and near-death experiences, of course – is that it never lasts.





	

**Author's Note:**

> some notes i recommend you read before proceeding!!  
> \- yes, the title is from "fools" by troye sivan. i'm still reeling from the fact that tyler and james put that on their philkas playlist.  
> \- this fic skips time without being too specific. (no years or ages are mentioned)  
> \- i started writing this before the most recent episode.  
> \- a series of x's should separate each time jump, but sometimes ao3 likes to delete my spaces, so PLEASE comment if those x's have been removed and you're confused by how the work is flowing.  
> \- uhm?? i think that's it??? please just enjoy the story and don't forget to promote the HELL out of our boys' beautiful show <3

Their first huge fight – flailing hands, angry words, and completely unfueled by internalized homophobia – is over an acceptance letter sitting on Philip’s desk. 

Lukas notes briefly that it looks like it was left there intentionally.  Like Philip didn’t know how else to bring it up. 

“I thought…”  Lukas trails off and stares down at the letter in his hands.  Part of him wants to tear it to shreds, but that won’t change a damn thing and besides, anger is one way in which he doesn’t want to be his father’s son.  “Everybody from around here does the same thing.  The same community college.  I guess I just _thought_ …”

From where he’s sitting on the bed, Philip looks small.  But when he looks up, his eyes are bright and fiery, and Lukas’ stomach twists with a weird sense of pride and sadness.  “I’m not _from_ around here, Lukas.  This place isn’t my home.  It never was.”

“Helen and Gabe – “

“Are great people, and I owe them my life.  _Literally_.  But they aren’t my parents.  And they…they think it’s a good idea.”

“Okay, but there’s still _time_.  We can talk through this.”

Philip wraps his arms around his stomach and he shrinks even more.  He doesn’t look up from the floor.

Realization hits Lukas like a wave.  Water seeps into his lungs and he loses his footing, getting lost in the current. 

No, Philip is not meant for this place.  It flattens him.  Steals away a part of him that Lukas has only seen bits and pieces of.  It tried to _kill_ him once, even. 

So he looks down at the letter, and he cries, but he still sits beside Philip and doesn’t try to touch him.  This decision is bigger than _them_.  Lord knows Lukas has been far too selfish already.

“I hear California has, like, the coolest beaches.”

Philip chokes on a laugh and rests his head on Lukas’ shoulder.  “You’ll have to come out and visit me.  Teach me how to surf.”

Lukas is not stupid.  And he doesn’t know how to surf. 

The issue with small-town love, Lukas thinks – despite its murder plots and near-death experiences, of course – is that it never lasts.

 

xxx

 

They Skype every night. 

Until they don’t.

Lukas is sitting on the floor in his room, surrounded by half-packed boxes while he stares at a blank screen and loses track of his thoughts in the constant, unanswered ringing.

He thinks at least a dozen, terrible things.  _Philip is with another boy.  We never said we’d be good at doing long distance.  He’s kissing somebody else.  He doesn’t care anymore.  He –_

Lukas slams the laptop shut and buries his face in his hands.

Tomorrow, Philip will call and apologize.  He’ll talk excitedly about orientation and open-minded kids and _I think I found myself a roommate, Lukas.  The kid’s great._

Lukas will be genuinely happy for him.  So happy that his heart aches with the weight of it.  He’ll cry himself to sleep when Philip tells him that they should cut down their video chats and resort to phone calls when he’s not busy.

California, it seems, is a lot busier than rural New York.

 

xxx

 

Usually, Lukas tunes out for meetings with his managers.  He’s sick of hearing about how visible his logos are and what energy drinks he needs to be seen holding on the track. 

But today is different.  Today they’re talking about his image out in the _real_ world.  Off the track. 

And they’re fighting about whether or not he should actively come out.

“Small town boy coming out of the closet?  It’s _gold_.”  Shannon, an annoying creature who seems to know nothing about the _actua_ l sport, is far too eager to expose him.  It’s a good thing, he thinks, that she never met Philip when he was still around.  She’d eat him alive.

At this point, he doesn’t care much either way.  Tell people or don’t.  But he refuses to use a part of himself as a selling point.

He’s about to put this thought into words when Brent, a fairly quiet manager who often looks as bored as Lukas feels, interrupts.  “You don’t _sell_ somebody’s sexuality.  He comes out if he wants to.  _Not our decision_.”

Everybody in the room grows quiet.  Brent shoots Lukas a smile that looks like it’s supposed to be reassuring.

…it kind of is.

 

xxx

 

Lukas invites Brent out to the city.  He’s energetic and obnoxious and his veins are so thick with Irish blood that he drinks three beers in the time it takes Lukas to drink half of _one_.  He has curly orange hair and bright blue eyes and Lukas doesn’t remember the last time he wanted to touch another person this badly.

(Philip’s face flashes before his eyes.  He blinks it away.)

“Sure you don’t wanna jus’ rent a room?” Brent sighs, throwing his arm around Lukas’ neck and sending shivers down his spine as they stumble out of a bar that Lukas isn’t technically old enough to have been visiting.  “Taxi drives are so _boring_.”

“Agreed,” Lukas chuckles, shoving his hands in his jeans and trying to hide the heat bleeding across his cheeks.  “But a night in the city is expensive.”

At this, Brent laughs.  Then he stumbles, taking Lukas with him, and then, somehow, Lukas’ back is digging into cold brick and Brent is looking him straight in the eye.  They’re practically the same height and for no reason at all, this makes Lukas want to touch him even more.

Brent’s breath is smoky and sour, but Lukas is so close that he can smell peppermint gum and sweet toothpicks.  His eyes are their own individual lights, calling Lukas out to sea.  His chest is solid and warm.  His arms are a place to hide.

Lukas aches.

“I am so, _so_ drunk.”

Brent smiles and then they’re kissing, softer than Lukas thinks it should be.  It makes his heart hurt.  He buries his fingers in ginger curls and bites down in an attempt to stop the pain from making a sound.  Brent moans and presses his leg between Lukas’ thighs. 

Lukas wants to cry.  Something is _wrong_ here, even though he knows it shouldn’t be.

 _Philip is gone_ , he tells himself, throwing his head back and letting Brent bite constellations into his skin.  _It’s been over a year.  He found somebody better.  Why can’t you do the same?_

Brent slides a hand under his t-shirt.

“Let’s rent a room,” Lukas pants, dragging their lips together with every syllable.  “Closest hotel possible, please.”

He should feel young and invincible as they stumble off into city nightlife, Brent’s raucous laughter enveloping them in a movie scene, but his hands are shaking and it has nothing to do with the cold.

 

xxx

 

Bo Waldenbeck is stern-faced and cold, sipping from his glass like he didn’t just drop a bomb the size of all of Tivoli. 

“Cancer, son.  I’ve got cancer.”

Lukas feels the world tilt on its axis.  Brent is there, squeezing his hand in reassurance, but he’s numb.

Brent shakes his head.  “When do you start – “

“No treatments,” Bo interrupts, looking at Lukas instead of the man who is so clearly his son’s partner.  He may bite his tongue.  He may let Brent tag along for Sunday dinner.  But he never hesitates to make it clear in whatever subtle way he can that he doesn’t think any of it’s okay. 

Something inside of Lukas falls loose.  He would go slack if he were weaker-willed.  “How…uhm, how long?”

Bo’s hand shakes as he sets the now-empty glass back on the counter.  “Three to six months.”

 

xxx

 

Lukas cracks and calls Philip. 

He needs to talk about it.  Needs to say those words to somebody who gets it.  “ _My dad is dying._ ”

But the call goes straight to voicemail all six times.  Lukas checks the other boy’s Instagram and hovers over a week-old picture of Philip kissing some handsome man in a leather jacket.

The door to the bathroom opens and Brent pads out in nothing but a towel, immediately dropping a kiss to Lukas’ head and rubbing circles into his shoulders.  “You okay?”

Lukas’ phone is lying face down on the table.  He figures, as he leans back into the other man’s touch, that there is _something_ here between them, but one foot is stuck in the past while the rest of him struggles to keep up.

Brent wipes his tears and tucks him into bed, holding him until he falls asleep.

He doesn’t dream.

 

xxx

 

Helen is just as intimidating as ever, but Lukas doesn’t have the energy in him to be afraid right now. 

“The service was beautiful,” she sighs.  “Small.  Just the way Bo would have wanted it.”

Lukas can only nod, unsure of what else to say.  The tie around his neck hangs heavier than any scrap of fabric has the right to.  It feels like his father is surrounding them, a part of him absorbed into every particle of dirt beneath their feet.

Helen surprises him by reaching out to grab his hand.  “I’m here if you need anything, Lukas.”  Her eyes flick to where Brent and Gabe are still standing.  “Philip wanted to come but – “

“California is busy, I know,” Lukas huffs, truly not meaning to sound bitter, at least for Helen’s sake.  But it _hurts_.  He and Philip never parted on the terms that they’d never speak again, let alone that they’d avoid the funerals of fallen loved ones.

Philip _chose_ not to call and ask him how he was dealing with the news in the first place, let alone to tell him personally that he wouldn’t be making it when plans for the funeral were in full swing.  Philip _chose_ not to be here, not to make the time.  Philip _chose_ to ignore Lukas’ pain, and maybe Lukas deserves it.

He starts crying and Helen shocks him again by pulling him into a tight embrace.  She pats his hair and says, “ _I know, I know, I know._ ”

 

xxx

 

As far as motocross injuries go, it could be worse.  Lukas is lucky, really, to only have a few broken ribs and some internal bleeding.  He could have died.  Could have fallen asleep in his manager’s car and gotten stuck in a coma.

But he’s alive. 

Brent is shouting at the nurses.  “He’s _clearly_ in pain!  He needs more medication!”

“We’ve already given him more than enough, sir, please…”

Through the fog of pain meds, Lukas scrolls through his phone.  He finally got it back after Brent argued relentlessly with one of the doctors about needing to check important emails, but every word that reaches his eyes gets lost in a shadowy realm of cobwebs.

He rubs his eyes and tries to focus.

The phone buzzes, startling him as an unfamiliar string of numbers flashes across the screen.  It may be the medication affecting his memory, but he’s always been good at memorizing numbers that weren’t deemed important enough to store in his contacts.

He has to squint his eyes to read the screen.

_Heard about the accident.  I’m so sorry, Lukas.  For everything.  For not being there now and for not being there before.  I still care about you._

The phone buzzes again.  Same number.

_It’s Philip, by the way.  I should have said that sooner.  Call me when you can.  But I’ll understand if you don’t._

He must start crying, because suddenly Brent is sitting beside him, mumbling in concern and wrapping his hand around Lukas’ chin.  He swipes the phone out of his boyfriend’s hand and glances down at the screen.

“Philip, huh?  Gabe told me about him.  And you.  A little bit, anyway.”

Lukas feels like he should apologize.  The words don’t come.

Brent leans forward and rests their foreheads together.  “He was your first love, Lukas.  I get it.  You need to rest now, okay?  Worry about this later.”  He kisses Lukas gently, as if to say without words that this won’t ruin anything.

“I love you.”

Lukas grabs Brent’s hand and brings it to his lips.

 

xxx

 

The building is too small, too white, and too symmetrical.  Lukas feels a bit like he’s suffocating, so he gladly swipes a drink from the bar while Brent slides the man standing behind it a fifty-dollar bill.

It immediately strikes Lukas how oddly each piece is presented.  Surely, dozens more people could have their work featured at such a prestigious event if less space was given to each piece.  A five-inch painting entitled _Snowfall_ doesn’t need a wall all to itself.

But, then again, what the fuck does Lukas know?

He’s only here per Gabe’s request.  “ _Philip won’t be there, I promise.  Helen is stressed about this case and you and Brent are always so great at putting together a good time.  We’ll swing by, see Philip’s work, and head out for drinks.  Sound good?”_

It didn’t sound good at _all_ , actually, but Brent has been getting restless with nothing but work and motocross events, and Lukas has absolutely no idea how to plan something fun, let alone _romantic_ , so he lets Brent decide if it’s a good idea or not.

And now they’re here.

Gabe and Helen are nowhere to be seen, pretentious art nerds are swarming around white canvases on white walls, and Lukas just wants to curl up in bed with _Family Guy_ playing in the background while Brent rubs his shoulders and he falls asleep.

The thing is, though, he kind of _does_ want to see Philip’s work.  It’s been a year since the other boy reached out to him through a text message in the hospital, and it took all of Lukas’ willpower not to respond, but he’s come a long way since then.  Sure, kissing Brent might not make him go weak in the knees like he did with Philip, but he thinks that has more to do with age than attraction. 

Over time, he thinks, your body realizes that it’s time to settle down and delete all traces of teenage love stories from your history.

But he can still look.  He can search for traces of familiar lighting or blurred backgrounds.  He can still _remember_.

“Oh my _god_ , would you look at this!”

Lukas nearly jerks back in surprise as his hand is grabbed and his arm is yanked, only to settle down when he realizes that it’s Helen, waving his left hand around like it deserves more attention than the art.  Gabe walks up beside her, looking a bit apologetic on behalf of his clearly-drunk wife.

“You know, I had _no clue_ they made engagement rings for men.  And such _beautiful ones_ , too!”  She points it out to Gabe.  “Isn’t it beautiful, babe?  So simple but so _tasteful_.”

Lukas can’t help but laugh as Gabe nods, nudging Lukas’ hand out of her grasp.  “Brent did a good job.”

They go through their regular routine of handshakes and hello’s.  Lukas and Brent are enthusiastically congratulated on their recent engagement and Brent is glowing.  Lukas only ever smiles and nods at this point.  Lets somebody else do the talking for him.

“Ready to see Philip’s piece?” Gabe asks, politely plucking a half-finished wine glass out of his wife’s hand. 

Lukas swallows.  “You and Helen haven’t seen it yet?”

“This place is bigger than it looks.  We were walking around for nearly a half hour before we spotted you two.  Some nice young gentlemen told us exactly where to look, though…”

Lukas follows Gabe as he talks, fully aware of Brent behind them, playing the role of gentleman as Helen loops her arm through his like they’ve known each other for years.

But Brent, with his glowing presence and booming voice, falls out of focus the moment Lukas sees it.

Somebody, probably Helen, gasps.  “ _Oh_ …”

It’s Lukas.  Younger, captured on aged film.  The photo is small, but Lukas would know his old bike from any distance.  He wants to get closer.  Wants to trace his fingers over ‘ _Untitled_ by Philip Shea’, but he restrains himself.

Brent is suddenly beside him, but there’s no trace of anger or shock.  Only curiosity as he tips his head to the side and steps closer.  “I barely remember that uniform…”

Gabe clears his throat.  “Lukas, we should probably – “

Lukas closes his eyes and shakes his head.  “Tell Philip I like it.  It’s…”  Beautiful.  One-of-a-kind.  It’s _him_.  “It’s nice.”

He could let himself fall back into that memory if he tried hard enough.  He could be back on that bike, now long forgotten, pulling stupid tricks while Philip records every moment and watches him in awe.  He could let the tide take him.  He could let himself remember the way Philip’s touches were feather-light and burning ash.

But he doesn’t.

Instead, he follows Brent out of the building and offers to pay for Gabe and Helen’s dinner.  Gabe watches him the rest of the night, those all-knowing eyes capable of seeing through his bones, but Lukas ignores it and drowns his sorrows in expensive food and the feeling of cold metal pressed against his left ring finger.

(If Philip had been in that building, watching Lukas’ reaction from a safe distance…

Well, nobody but Philip ever has to know.)

 

xxx

 

“It’s a bit unfair that we’ve been engaged for five months and _they’re_ the ones getting the nice ceremony,” Brent huffs, only half serious.  He’s helping Lukas fix his tie in the mirror, tongue caught between his teeth as he pulls focus. 

Lukas snorts and leans back into his fiancé’s touch.  “They’re only renewing their vows.  I promise, our wedding will be a _lot_ cooler.”

Brent smiles against Lukas’ neck.  “I guess you’re right.”

“I always am.”

Lukas’ phone buzzes in his pocket. 

As he grabs it, Brent pulls back and moves towards the closet, grabbing his own tux.  “I’ll be in the bathroom, babe.  _Don’t_ touch that tie.”

Lukas stands in mock salute and they both laugh.

The door to the bathroom clicks shut and Lukas unlocks his phone.

He stops breathing.

_Meet me in the barn before the ceremony. – Philip_

He has to grab the wall to keep the world from falling out beneath him.

All this time, all this preparation for Helen and Gabe’s vow renewal, and it somehow never occurred to Lukas that Philip could _be_ there.  Ignoring Lukas doesn’t mean ignoring the rest of the world, _especially_ his old foster parents.  _Of course_ he’d be there.

Suddenly, his throat is dry.

His fingers are shaking as he types: _On my way._

“Hey, Brent?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“Gabe wants me there early to help with some decoration stuff.  Mind if we take separate cars?”

“Gabe wants _your_ help with decorations?”  Brent steps out of the bathroom, shirtless and beautiful and smiling at Lukas like he’s never seen a prettier picture.  “Sure thing, but don’t call _me_ asking for help when you realize you don’t know what you’re doing.”  He wraps his arms around Lukas’ waist and the image they make in the mirror belongs in a movie. 

They’re perfect, and Lukas doesn’t understand why that unsettles him so deeply.

 

xxx

 

The crunch of hay beneath Lukas’ feet is eerily nostalgic.  It makes him want to run away, to find comfort in Brent’s arms, but he knows that’s not where he belongs.  He’s spent so long trying to fit a specific mold that he’d almost completely forgotten what it feels like to have no attachments.  No strings to tug. 

Life had been complicated when he was younger, sure, but the mess he made with Philip was oddly… _beautiful_.  He would never have that with Brent.  He would never have that with _anyone_. 

He steps further into the barn and takes a deep breath, tugging his tie loose and letting the smell of things longs-buried wash over him.

“Weird, isn’t it?”

Lukas can’t bring it in himself to look up.  To finally see Philip – in person – after so many years.  He’s afraid that he’ll fall to his knees or start weeping or, even worse, that he’ll shove Philip against the nearest support beam and kiss the life out of him.

“Being back here.  This town.  This barn.”  Philip’s voice is quiet and warm.  He sounds a little unsure. 

“Lukas, look at me.”

Lukas closes his eyes.

Footsteps and the overwhelming smell of wood.  Philip’s hand on his chin, and suddenly he’s seventeen again, head-over-heels for a boy that should have never captured his attention in the first place.

When Lukas finally opens his eyes, he’s crying.  “ _You never came back_.”

He falls into Philip’s arms and Philip catches him, holding him close and too-tight.  Lukas digs his fingers into familiar flesh, demanding to be felt again, even if it’s only temporary.  He can’t let Philip forget about him again. 

“I’m so sorry, Lukas.  _I’m so sorry_.”

It isn’t good enough, and they both know it, but Lukas doesn’t pull away and Philip doesn’t push back. 

“Were you happy?” Lukas asks.  It’s been bugging them since the moment he watched Philip catch his flight.  “ _Are_ you happy?”

Philip moves so that their foreheads are pressed together, and Lukas notices for the first time that he’s now wearing glasses.  They’re too thick.  Too round.  Lukas loves them.

“I…I _think_ I was,” Philip whispers.  “For a little while.  And, I mean, I was having a good time.  I figured out so much _shit_ , Lukas, I…”  He trails off and shakes his head.  “What about you?”  He reaches down and grabs Lukas’ hand, tentatively tracing his fingers over the too-expensive ring that rests on his finger.

Lukas nods.  He won’t lie.  Brent _did_ make him happy.  But not in the way that Philip once did.  They might have torn each other apart and haphazardly glued the pieces back together, but that pain was sweeter than any romantic gesture his fiancé has ever proposed.

“But it wasn’t _right_ , Philip.  That happiness…it was fake.  It was hollow.  It’s like I’ve been living somebody else’s life.” 

“I think I know what you mean.”

Without any warning, their eyes are locked and the world is melting away. 

“I can’t kiss you,” Lukas whispers.

Philip’s fingers twitch around the other man’s engagement ring.  “Does he…does _he_ make you happy?”

“ _Not like you did_.”

 

xxx

 

Brent is the one to break things off.  He pins Lukas to their bedroom wall and asks, “ _Do you still love him?_ ” 

Lukas chokes on the emotion that claws its way up from his ribcage, settling heavy in his throat.  “I don’t know.  I can only say that I don’t love _you_.  Not like I should.  Not enough to marry you.”

The rings were outrageously expensive, so Brent takes Lukas’ without asking.

His things are out of the apartment the next morning.

 

xxx

 

“You’re drunk,” Philip states, and it’s so point-blank that Lukas can’t stop himself from rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, well, I think I have a right to be,” Lukas snorts, knocking back another nasty shot of whatever the bartender keeps sliding him.  “My finance did just _leave_ me, after all.”

Philip purses his lips.  “Fair enough.  Still, I think we should get you home.”

“That apartment isn’t my home anymore.  This _place_ isn’t my home anymore.”  He waves his hands wildly in the air, encompassing the whole town in his mind.  “And _you_.  You’re leaving soon.  Going back to California.  You’re leaving me.  _Again_.”

“Lukas – “

“The one person who feels like home and you’re leaving again.”

Philip grabs Lukas’ chin too roughly, forcing their eyes to meet.  The bartender shoots them a nervous glance.  Lukas’ vision is swimming.

“Come with me.”

Lukas’ eyes narrow in confusion.  “Wha…”

“Come.  With.  Me.  To California.  My apartment has a spare bedroom.”

Lukas shakes his head.  “My managers – “

“You’ll find new ones.  Better ones.”

Maybe it’s the alcohol.  Maybe it’s the way his heart aches despite knowing Brent was better off without a man in his life that was still head-over-heels for a boy he knew years ago.

Either way, he says yes.

 

xxx

 

California is beautiful in ways that Lukas thinks he should hate. 

Warm weather and gentle breezes.  Constant access to the ocean.  Beautiful blue skies and puffy clouds.

 _Philip_.

Philip smiling and snapping pictures.  Philip laughing as he shows Lukas around his delightfully put-together neighborhood. 

Everybody loves him, from strangers to work associates to old school friends.  They see him and their faces light up.

It makes Lukas ache in a way that makes him feel a lot younger than he truly is.

“D’you like it?” Philip asks, motioning with his old polaroid to the gigantic street mural he’s been gushing about all week.

Lukas nods, even though he’s not quite sure what he’s looking at.  If he’s being honest, he’s been watching Philip more than anything.

Philip laughs.  “You don’t dig it, I know.  We’ll leave in a minute.  Just let me – “

Nothing about the moment is particularly spectacular or memorable.  He’ll never remember what the mural looks like without Philip’s pictures.  He doesn’t know what street they’re on.  The sun isn’t any brighter than on any other day. 

Still, Lukas presses forward and kisses Philip like he did when they were young.  Rough and careless. 

When he pulls back, Philip’s cheeks are painted like rose petals.  He’s a much better sight than whatever’s splattered across the wall.

“I’ve been waiting for you to do that,” Philip whispers.

They kiss again.

Lukas knows that their wounds haven’t quite healed.  His, especially. 

But he’s been waiting for what feels like a lifetime for Philip, and all things that led to this moment were mere potholes on a path that spelled out Philip’s name.

He feels it cemented in his bones, this time.

Whatever they have…

It’s forever.


End file.
